Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
