Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
