when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize