So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
