My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
