i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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