Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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