Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Randomize