Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
