I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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