my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
