She's JV to your varsity
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
