You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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