yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
