I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
