my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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