I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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