I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
