I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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