we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
