whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize