why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
