He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
