NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
