Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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