why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
