I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
