I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
