I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My pussy is not your playground.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
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