Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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