Yo dont text me then not text me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
