I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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