for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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