the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
