you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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