we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
