he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
