Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
