i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
