She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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