life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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