when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
