I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
