I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
