She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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