The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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