my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
