It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
