I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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