i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
