Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
