i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
