I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
