So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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