i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
