i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
