remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
